The Leftovers

A new client the other day a week shy of his 39th birthday told me that people like him, “the leftovers”, should take whatever they can get when it comes to dating. Maybe because he lives in the south where people typically get married right out of college but I had never heard this before. I had never thought about people in their mid to late 30s as “the leftovers”. It really stayed with me.

It is extremely difficult to watch as your friends get married one by one while you’re still looking for your life partner. It can make you think, “what’s wrong with me?” or “why doesn’t anyone want to marry me?”. A lot of questions can come up for you that can bring in self-doubt or negative feelings about yourself but it’s so important to keep the bigger picture in mind. You’re not a leftover. You have no idea how many of those friends are actually happily married. The end goal isn’t to be married, it’s to be happy. Marriage is not the ending of your story. That’s only in the movies. The real work comes after the wedding day.

If you really stop to think, I’m sure there were people in your past you could have ended up with but for different reasons, it didn’t work out. If you had met them today, you might feel differently but timing is so important. For me personally, I might have had relationships throughout my 20s and early 30s but I truly wasn’t ready for a serious commitment until after 30. I had my own journey of starting my business and wouldn’t have taken the plunge if I didn’t want to take what I had learned from my past to help others. Every decision and experience - both the good ones and the disappointing ones - have led you to this point.

That takes me to the second part of what he said - the leftovers should just take whatever they can get. While I know many people 40+ who are probably pickier than they were 20 years prior, I do hear people who have a defeated attitude on dating. Having healthy expectations when dating is key. You may not be dating in the same pool you were 10 years ago and you have to adjust your preferences as such. Maybe the typical type you go for isn’t serving your longer-term goals. There are many reasons why you might still be single, most likely a combination of a few things, so take time to journal and discover what those reasons are. Reflect on past relationships and see if there are patterns.

Be thankful that you didn’t end up with the wrong person. I have spoken to many people who went through excruciating divorces and had to start all over again both personally and financially. I have also heard stories from people who finally found fulfilling relationships after 50. Most of them never thought they would find love again, especially a deeper love than they have ever felt before.

That being said, if you are working against a timeline AKA wanting to have a family, you do need to prioritize your personal life and not just sit around hoping you’ll meet them in line at Trader Joe’s. You wouldn’t get your dream job by watching TV at home, right? You need to put the work in. Make time to meet people and make sure they are the right people to meet! Screen carefully so you don’t waste 6 months dating someone who doesn’t have the same life plans as you do. That’s why working with a matchmaker can really help you stop wasting time and money on dates that won’t go anywhere. How awesome would it be to meet that person this year rather than wasting more time dating the wrong people?

You’re not a leftover. Your time is coming.

xo,

AM