Is Your Ex Reaching Out During The Coronavirus?

I have had multiple friends and clients tell me that an ex or two had reached out in the last month since we have been living during the Coronavirus. Honestly, I wasn’t surprised at all. I’ve even had a few reach out myself!

We are living in this new normal where we are home all day either alone or with a roommate or even better (or worse, depending on how you look at it) with our families. Typically, we would be filling the streets, drinking outside in the sun and meeting new people every day. Dates were pretty easy to come by via the dating apps and you never truly felt alone. Now we can’t do that. We’re not meeting people the way we used to and for a city like New York especially, we don’t have as many options as we’re used to. Dating in New York can make you feel expendable. We have so much quantity here that it dilutes the quality of the people we are meeting.

The first week or two of self-quarantine was fun, in a way. I had Zoom happy hours, mass meditations, live streaming workouts… it was nonstop. And while I still have a few here and there, all of the fun FaceTime has died down a bit. I think we are all realizing that this is our new way of life for at least a bit longer. No one knows when we’ll be able to meet people in real life again.

People are definitely having fun with the video dates. I’ve been setting them up more than ever for clients but the biggest trend I have seen is the return of an ex. I’m hearing countless stories of people reemerging recently. Whether it was an ex of years or even days, people are lonely and reaching out to those they already have in their rolodex. Some of these interactions may certainly be sincere but it’s important to think critically about why this person is looking to return to your life.

Many people have used this time to reflect on what’s important to them and the people they value. Maybe there was someone you thought of this last week who you dated last year that didn’t work out for various reasons. While you’re sitting at home a bit lonely your mind may turn to them. New Yorkers especially prioritize pretty much anything over their love lives. Well, we can’t do that anymore. We finally have the time to focus on our relationships. The people we surround ourselves with. Or maybe the people we want around. If that’s the case, I think it’s perfectly natural to want to reach out and see if the other person is receptive. If your intentions are genuine, by all means send a text or give them a call. If there is someone you are thinking about, let them know. You truly don’t have anything to lose besides reconnecting with someone you care about.

Now, if an ex comes back that hurt you deeply, you might want to think very hard before allowing them back into your life. Why did the breakup happen? Did they do something to hurt you? Did they say they stopped loving you? The reason for the breakup will never go away. If it was something innocent like one of you moved away or there were other commitments that kept you from investing deeper into the relationship then that’s probably something you can forgive. Could you forgive someone who cheated on you? Someone who said they don’t love you anymore? What are their reasons for coming back into your life NOW? Are they just bored and lonely? That’s not a good enough reason to allow this person the privilege of being close to you again. Stay strong. Going back to something that’s familiar isn’t the right answer. You may find short term comfort but you are setting yourself up to be hurt in the future.

If you decide to give this person a chance, make them prove their loyalty to you. Don’t just pick up where you left off. Hold them accountable to show up in the way you need them to. Maybe that’s a phone call every day. Or it could be a few talks to understand where they are coming from. Have they read some self help books that have opened their eyes to how they treated you in the past? Take the time to write down why the breakup happened and how it made you feel. Then write down the things you liked about that relationship and then the things you didn’t. Don’t get swept up in the romantic notion that this person came back. They left you once, they can easily do it again! Make them work hard for your trust and if they prove themselves to you, hopefully your relationship can be stronger than ever. If not, don’t beat yourself up. You’re only human with a big heart and wanted a relationship to work with someone you deeply cared for.

You’re going to have to practice strong willpower at this time. Think long term. Will a relationship with this person be sustainable? Do you have a future together? Do you even want a future together? It can feel vindicating to have this person back, asking to be a part of your life again but that’s your ego. What does your heart feel and what does your head think? It isn’t fair for the other person to be strung along either.

Do some reflecting, journaling and then listen to your gut. It’s never wrong.

xo,

AM